The local UNICEF crew decided to
throw a soccer tournament the other day.
Now I enjoy a good bit of footy, and don’t hate kids enough to avoid
helping them indirectly, so I decided to get the old gang together and make a
bid for the cup (there wasn’t a cup in the end, but we’ll get to that). When I say the ‘old gang,’ it’s
important that you don’t associate this with any sort of camaraderie. The truth is, some of these guys are
closer to actual gang members than any of us would like to admit. In any case, the druggie tweakers on
the squad (who make excellent aggressive forwards so long as you take their
knives away first) are criminal enough to make the ‘old gang’ endearment “not
funny, dude.” The rest of us don’t
have as much in common as the criminals.
There are a few foreign kids, but not enough to make us any good. Also, I think a few of their countries
are at war with each other. Which
is awkward.
When us athletes met up in the
cafeteria that morning the UNICEF crew was even more hung over than we
were. Registration didn’t take too
long, most of us had student library ID cards. Nico had a Columbian passport that even the UNICEFers
thought was fake. Coming up with
the team name might have been the hardest part … if we knew that we had to do
it. As it turned out, when Stephen
was filling in the form for us all he mistook “team name” for just “name.” And so, us ragtag warriors were entered
into the tournament that could very well change each and every one of our
lives. But probably wouldn’t.
GAME 1 – Just Business vs. Stephen
Wong
Just Business is the school
business faculty’s team, which they apparently had tryouts for. They also had fancy
lyso-poly-neo-bullshit-nano-lycra-synthetic jerseys. One of our guys had shown up with nothing but a woolen
sweater, so things weren’t looking too good. Luckily for us, their team captain had anger management
problems and banished their goalie to the sidelines for showing up late. I didn’t catch it amidst the swear
words, but I like to think that he said it was “just business.” As a result, we ended up taking the
game 6-4, with a stunning hat-trick from sweater-boy and four yellow cards from
the tweakers.
GAME 2 – Invisibles vs. Stephen
Wong
In this case, the name was
eminently appropriate. Despite
paying the 80-dollar entrance fee, the invisibles failed to show up. Or so we thought anyway…
Regardless, we were happy to take
the default win.
GAME 3 – Cookies and Cream vs.
Stephen Wong
Unfortunately, this one turned out
to be more cookies than cream.
With an all-star trio of Argentineans in the front, and behemoth
Brazilians on defense, we were in over our heads. Not to mention the keeper, technically named Gunther
Baumgartner but affectionately called the Berlin Wall (or maybe the cream?). We lost this one 14-2.
GAME 4 – Gender Quality vs. Stephen
Wong
We had our asses kicked by a bunch
of girls from the varsity soccer team here. That officially put us out of the running for the cup; our
goal differential was horrid ever since our run in with the cookies.
Much to our pleasure, there wasn’t
a cup at the end of the rainbow anyway.
All we missed out on was bagel coupons, which isn’t much. In case you’re wondering, the Law
School team took the prize, after somehow beating the cookies. I thanked God that we didn’t have to
play them.
Whether you’re wondering or not, we
didn’t come last! The Nursing team
did. They were so slow, I think
that their tactic was to wait until the other team died of old age.
At the end of the day, we all went
our separate ways. Perhaps because
of the mild success we’d achieved, we decided to do it all again next weekend
at the Make a Wish Foundation Annual Soccer Tournament. At this rate, people are going to think
we actually like kids.
I’d never admit it to you, or to
the police, but I can’t wait to see the not-so-good ‘old gang’ again.
d.
